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I have had two premature pregnancies, my first not ending happily. I had my daughter on Feb 1, 1997, when I was 20 gestational weeks pregnant and she weighed 1 pound and was 12 inches long. I had started to bleed and went to emergency, a doctor checked me out and said that I was fine but I just had a feeling I was not. Right before I was about to be released they did an ultrasound to assure me that everything was going to be fine. BUT, that is when they realized that my cervix was open and I was dilating already. The nurses right away put me in a slight vertical position, with my legs elevated. They also gave me medication through IVs to try and stop the contractions. The contractions were stopped for about 3 days and on the 4th day my doctor came in and told me that I was going to have to make a decision on if I gave birth anytime soon, if I wanted them to try and revive my baby or just let her be? I was so perplexed on what they were asking me because I was not thinking that I would have to make a decision like this. My doctor explained to me, at this early gestational age, my daughter would only have about a 5% chance of living if they tried to keep her alive and even then she may be brain damaged. Keep in mind this was 11 years ago, so the technology was not as great as it now. We decided that we were not going to try and revive her and make her suffer, but my doctor told me that if he felt that our daughter was more internally developed then they thought, he would do his best to help her.
I had my daughter on Feb. 1, 1997 at 1059pm and she passed away on Feb. 2, 1997 at 1201am. I thought my world was over, it was the most horrifying pain I had ever felt. I thought I was not going to be able to get over my daughter’s lost. We had a burial for her and we were supported by my family and friends which helped me along the way. It took a long time (years) before I was able to talk about it without crying or getting choked up.
I again became pregnant in 2000, and when I first found out, I was so scared that I was going to experience what I had with my daughter, that I was not really able to be happy. My doctor had declared me having a weak cervix and put me on semi bed rest for the duration of my pregnancy with my son. At 31 gestational weeks, I again started to bleed and thought that I was going to experience the pain of losing a child again. Even though I was farther along in my pregnancy, I was still very scared. I went into emergency and the doctors again kept me on IVs trying to stop the contractions. They were able to stop the contractions for about 4 days until my water broke on April 3, 2001. My doctor had calmed me down a bit assuring that there was a better chance for my son to live because I was further along (11 more weeks, than with my daughter). I gave birth to my son on April 3, 2001 at 1028am and he weighed 2 pounds 11 oz. The doctors immediately grabbed my son and the team of doctors inserted a ventilator to help him breath. My son was wheeled away into NICU. I was so upset that I was not able to neither hold nor comfort him at this time. My son’s father followed the doctor’s while they took him to NICU, so I was somewhat relieved that his father was with him.
My son ended up being hospitalized for 2 months before he was able to come home. He came home on an apnea monitor and had really bad reflux. At the time he came home, he weight a bit over 8 pounds. I was so excited for my son to finally be healthy enough to come home but at the same time I was so scared because I did not think I would be able to care for him properly. Although, I felt comfortable with having the apnea monitor because it would alert me if he were to stop breathing. I had to keep up with doctor appointments for my son to be seen by specialist to make sure he was developing correctly. My son was also having a therapist come in once a week to work with his muscles and learning abilities. I felt safe knowing that he was being closely monitored. My son did not have many problems when he came home and was averaging the size of babies his age.
My son is now 7 years old and is very healthy. I am very lucky to have him in my life and appreciate him every moment. I had kept a scrapbook of my son’s experience and he really enjoys looking at it from time to time to see how much we cared for him.
Having gone through this experience, I feel it has made me a better person because it has taught me not to take anything for granted. I think it is sometimes in human nature to take advantage but I have my little miracle to look back at and remind me that not everything is a given. We should all appreciate the moments we have in life with those that make us happy.
Melissa Cruz, California
www.helpwithstyle.com