I need to find some strength

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I am a new mom of twins.. Makayla and RJ.. Born Oct 19th 2008 (29 weeks) RJ weighed 2 lbs 7oz and Makayla was 2 lb 6 oz … they have had a rough road!  At day 6 of life they found out Makayla had a blockage and had to do intestine surgery and removed 12 cm of her small bowel… RJ has cronic apnea and Brady’s.. they did Makayla’s surgery and all went very well.  RJ continued to have “A & B’s” so they started him on caffeine.  THat seemed to work.  Makayla has had to stop feeds twice now.  Once because of infection ( E COLI) and C-Diff.. RJ also had a UTI and C-DIff.  THey recovered from that and now today RJ coded (35 weeks) and was able to be brought back to me, and Makayla is off feeds again due to NEC.  I am so frustrated and I am trying to stay strong for these two but I feel myself getting so worn down I don’t know how to stay strong for them.  It is a horrible roller coaster ride that I want off of!  I want to bring them home, I feel the hospital does more harm than help.. I know they are there for a reason but the hospital introduces so many infections and bacteria that my home wouldn’t.  Can anyone give me any hope?

Proud mom of twins!